A Secondhand Emotion
by JuSoCrazy
Summary: Edward swoops in to save Bella from an uncomfortable run in with her ex. Can her hardened heart soften up enough to let him in? E/B J/A Em/R AU/AH/OMG/WTF Hilarity and minimal angst ensue. Rated M for language and probable sexy times.
1. Clean Up On Aisle Five

**Twilight, consider yourself disclaimed.**

_Where in the hell is the Nutella? _I wonder as I walk around the WalMart aisles for the seven hundred and thirteenth time. It's the last thing on my list and I'm getting tired of walking through the store. Yes, I make a list. No, I'm not 90 years old. I just don't like forgetting anything! Anyway, I was just about to say eff the Nutella when I come around a corner and run smack into my ex best friend and ex boyfriend. It takes me two seconds to remember that I'm wearing raggedy old gray sweatpants tucked into my imitation Ugg boots and a tie dyed t shirt from the ninth grade. Top that off with a twisted ponytail and my old black glasses and I literally would have kung fu'ed my own self in the face rather than run into these two.

Jake was the perfect, hot, All American jock of all freaking trades in high school. Tall, built, handsome. None too bright but definitely alpha male material. I'd known him most of my life but we didn't start dating until we were twenty. Everything just kind of clicked into place one night during a party at his frat and then 'he' and 'me' turned into 'us'. I had fancied myself in love with his stupid ass for just over three years. Apparently so had my 'best friend' Tanya. Wench. I still vividly remember walking into our apartment that fateful day with two armfuls of grocery bags to the unmistakable sound of them getting it on.

Looking back on it, as I had a trillion times, I wish I would have done something super bad ass. Like ran into the room, yanked her up by her ridiculously over processed hair and slammed her into a wall. Or punched him in the face. Or at least screamed and cussed. But no. I dropped the groceries, turned around and walked right back out. I drove around in my car for over four hours, not sure what to do with myself. Finally, I had pulled over at the park, slid my phone out of my bag and called Tanya. When she answered, I told her very calmly and very matter-of-factly that she was to have her things out of my apartment by noon the next day, then hung up.

She had gotten Jake but I'd gotten everyone else. Our little clique of friends had sided with me through the whole mess (obviously). Rosalie and Alice still refer to Tanya as She Who Will Not Be Named and make the sign of the witch if they see her out and about. Unfortunately, Rose's boyfriend, Emmett, steadfastly refused to cut all ties with Jake. They'd been BFFs since, like, the womb and while he wholeheartedly agreed that Jake was totes in the wrong, he wouldn't cut ties. Despite numerous threats from Rose, including but not limited to castration, revoked pussy privileges, being shaved bald in his sleep, and (my personal favorite) a public tar-and-feathering. There had been a Renaissance Fair in Port Angeles when that particular inspiration struck.

It had taken a while, but I was finally able to convince her that I didn't mind if they remained friends. I couldn't expect Em to completely cut him off. Although it was solemnly sworn that my name would never be uttered in Jake's presence. Ever. Again. Then there was the little thorn in my side which was my dad's lifelong friendship with Jake's dad, Billy. When everything had gone down, Charlie had tried to talk me out of 'doing anything rash' until I'd gone completely Emily Rose on his ass, all but threatening the safety of his eternal soul in Aramaic. After that 'episode,' as he refers to it, he refrained from mentioning Jake in my presence.

As for me personally running into Tweedle Dee and Tweedle I'm A Backstabbing Whore, I had seen each of them a couple of times in passing. But never together, and never in a shopping cart collision situation. Like I said, I would rather have karate chopped myself in the throat than been there at that moment.

"Watch where you're going much?" Tanya says snottily before she realizes who I am. "Ohmigod Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't see you," she immediately apologizes. My face flushes fifteen shades of red and it's a wonder I don't pass out with all that blood rushing to my head. She's wearing a white miniskirt with a blue button up shirt and pearls. Literally pearls. In Walmart. Pretentious much? Jake is in his standard uniform of polo shirt, khaki shorts and flip flops. I have no idea what to do or say and am really trying not to pass out.

"Hey babe, how you been?" Jake, the eternal idiot, seems happy to see me as though he has absolutely no recollection of the horrible way everything had gone down. Unfortunately, looks cannot, in fact, kill. Or else he would have dropped dead on the floor of the bread aisle and Tanya would've been in prison for manslaughter. Me? I would have been deliriously happy, dancing back and forth between the cemetery and the prison, crowing about Karma being a wonderful woman. Instead, I draw a calming breath. Or at least what I tell myself is a calming breath. Then I clear my throat.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see you around the corner. That was my fault," I say in a rush, preparing to maneuver my cart around them so I can flee. I mentally drop kicked myself for wearing the equivalent of pajamas to WalMart. WTF was I thinking? Seriously!

"It's ok, it was my fault," Tanya counters quickly. "I'm really sorry," she says in a voice that makes me glance up at her. She does look sorry. For about a millisecond, then her face splits into a huge grin. "Did you hear the news?" she chortles excitedly, waggling her left hand at me. I fight back a wave of nausea as I take in the rock on her finger. "We're getting married!"

The fuck?

Neither Emmet nor Charlie had breathed a word of this sin against nature to me, which was really fucking considerate. Death was too good for them. Operation Castration was back in full effect. I didn't give a damn if I had expressly forbidden mention of Don Juan and Skankerella or not. There were some things that needed to be shared if for no other reason than to, say, keep me from being completely fucking blindsided in the ever loving bread aisle of the goddammed Walmart!

Getting back on topic, my head is spinning. I don't know whether to let the chunks fly, punch Tanya in the face, knee Jake in the nuts, or crack up laughing. A moment later, tears seemed like the inevitable reaction, as much as that pisses me off. I was seriously considering how weird/rude it would be for me to just run away, leaving my cart there, when a big hand slides around my waist and pulls me close to it's body. I look up, startled beyond words, into one of the most handsome faces I have ever seen.

"Found the Nutella, fancy face," he says, smiling the panty droppingest of all panty dropping smiles down at me as said Nutella is tossed into the cart. WTF? I think for a crazy moment I'm dreaming, but then realize that even my subconscious couldn't brew this up. I flounder, taking in gorgeous alabaster skin stretched over a chiseled jaw, perfectly proportioned lips, mossy green eyes, dark brows and what I can only describe as coppery-bronze, gloriously tousled hair atop the friggin' god standing next to me. He smiles, one unutterably adorable dimple appearing in his left cheek, and leans toward me, planting a kiss square on my lips. By all rights, I should pass out right here. Alas, I retain consciousness and manage to note that he smells like sex on an effing platter to boot. He pulls back, still smiling. "Who are your friends, love?"

I peel my eyes away from him to look at Tanya and Jake. Jake looks pissed and Tanya has a calculating look about her, eyeing up the tall drink of fuckhotness beside me in a way that makes me want to claw her face off. Which is weird because I can't really blame her. I mean, he is a sexy sonofabitch. I clear my throat.

"Uh, this is Tanya and that's Jake?" I say uncertainly, having no idea what the hell is going on, but very interested to find out. Hot Guy leans forward, affably extending his hand toward Jake. To his credit, Jake hesitates only a split second before offering his own in a firm handshake.

"Jake, nice to meet you buddy. I'm Edward," Hot Guy Edward says in his hot voice. He looks at Tanya. "Nice to meet you," he says, smiling hotly. Basically hot is the only word that came to mind at that moment. Sue me. Tanya nods a little snobbishly before looking at me, obviously expecting an explanation. I look from her back to Edward, who continues to smile at me. My neurons are melting together and if I can get a single one of those bitches to spark at this moment, it would be a miracle.

"So you guys are together?" Jake breaks the momentary silence that has descended, sounding none too happy about it. Oh, don't like it if I find a guy but it's okay for you to bang my best friend behind my back, eh?

"Yep, almost a year now," Edward answers smoothly. WTF? I am desperately trying to play it cool, a feat that is getting harder by the second.

"Really?" Jake says, drawing the word out. He raises his eyebrows, interested in that tidbit. 'The Incident,' as it shall forever hence be known, occurred exactly fourteen months prior to this little supermarket showdown. Apparently, he thought he warranted a longer mourning period. Funny, because I thought I had warranted a bit more stringent fidelity parameters. Looks like we were both wrong, asshat!

"Yep. Our anniversary is next week," Edward returns smoothly, squeezing me into his side to convey the excitement he felt at this prospect. I try to swallow and choke, thanks to my insanely dry throat. Edward pats my back firmly with one hand and grabs my chin with the other, swiveling my face toward his. "You all right, sweetheart?" he asks, concern etched in his comely visage (yes, he is so hot that I just went all Victorian England and referred to his money-maker as a 'comely visage'). I recover and nod dumbly. He leans down and presses his soft, soft mouth against mine again, sucking my bottom lip between his teeth briefly before ending the kiss.

My eyes may roll up in my head. In my defense, I had just been bombarded with a whole helluvalotta shit to process within the last five minutes, not the least of which was having my bottom lip sucked into the mouth of one of the most gorgeous men I had ever encountered in my life. Cut me some slack! "We gotta get going, remember my parents are due at our place at six," he says, as though that is definitely something that I should have known. I nod and try a smile on. He beams at me before turning to look at Jake. "My parents live in Chicago, they're coming to stay with us for a week to visit," he explains.

"You live together?" Tanya asks, incredulous. Edward snorts.

"Of course," he says, as if nothing else were even feasible. "I can't fall asleep without her next to me, can I babe?" he looks down at me warmly, a crooked little smile lifting the corners of his mouth. I blush approximately thirty seven shades of red at the images that calls to mind while my head bobbles up and down of it's own accord. Alice will be interested to find out we have a third roommate but I'm certain she would take one for the team if this smoldering hunk of man meat wanted to bunk up. Either that or I would beat her little pixie ass into submission. I love Alice dearly but brother-man got it goin' on.

"Nope, sure can't," I smile back once I regain control of my mental faculties, finally getting the hang of whatever the fuck it is that we're doing. I look at Thing One and Thing Two, my left eyebrow raised in barely concealed disdain. "Good to see you guys. And congratulations on the wedding. You were made for each other," I say, letting my tone drift toward sarcastic at the end there. Edward nods at them and we walk off before they can respond. Edward keeps his arm around my back, hand resting lightly on my hip, as we make our way toward the checkouts. Once we get around the corner, I look up at him.

"Okay, not that that wasn't literally the most awesome thing ever in life," I preface, "but what the eff just happened?" I ask in an unbelieving tone. He chuckles and smiles down at me again. Sweet potato pie, he is effing hot.

"Well, I was checking you out in the cereal aisle, and I wanted to think of something super cool to say so I could try to ask you out," he admits, smiling the whole time. "Then I saw you run into those tools and it doesn't take a genius to see that you were uncomfortable and that they were asses. So I figured I'd swoop in. Thank God you're not a lesbian, or else that wouldn't have worked at all," he jokes, still walking next to me. "I would remove my hand, but we want it to look real, right?" he asks, coy. I snort.

"In for a penny, in for a pound, I guess," I agree. He aims another one of those megawatt smiles at me and I swoon. He's taller than me, probably a little over six feet and clearly well-built, wearing a gray t-shirt and blue jeans. He is just so hot, I am in serious disbelief. "Did you have a cart?" I ask, realizing that unless he went to WalMart to stalk people, he probably had some groceries he needed.

"Abandoned it by the coolers. It was for a good cause," he shrugs at the loss. "No worries, I'll come back tomorrow," he chuckles. I shake my head.

"I can't tell you how totally awesome that was. I dated that tool bag for three years and she and I were best friends from fourth grade up until the day I came home to our apartment and caught those two doing the nasty," I explain, giving him the Cliff's Notes version . He sucks in a breath, like when you stub a toe.

"Ouch," is all he says. I nod, eyebrows raised. Pretty much. "Perfect timing, then," he adds. I am still in disbelief. "Mind if I get your name so I can stop with the ridiculous pet names?"

I feel my face flush remembering him calling me fancy face. I'm not sure why that is so freaking hot, but it is. "Bella Swan," I answer. He gives me that crooked smile again and my panties twist up in fear. They know their days are numbered.

"Nice to meet you, Bella Swan. My name is Edward Cullen."

**A/N Thank you for reading.**


	2. Gotta Let Your Soul Shine

**EPOV**

Ballsy doesn't convey the epic badass-ness of the shit I just pulled.

Now, I've never been meek. That being said, I've never pictured myself walking up to a complete stranger and doing something like I just did. Technically, though, I didn't even mean to do it. I just saw a pretty girl in bummy clothes, doing her grocery shopping. There was just something about her, like a quiet confidence, walking around in ratty old clothes but seemingly unbothered by it. Most of the time when you see chicks dressed like that in public they're rushing around and hiding their faces. Either that or they're sporting a couple of prison tats and a gold tooth. So it was refreshing to see a naturally beautiful girl being, well, naturally beautiful. And beautiful she was; clear milky complexion with those dark eyes and shiny hair. She had a cute little body and not a hint of make up to be seen.

I dug it.

So when I noticed that she was practically chanting '_Nutella'_ to herself and walking down every aisle, I thought I'd be all cute and find it for her. An easy in to strike up the convo I'd been desperate to start since I first noticed her. Luckily, that shit is delicious and a staple in my house. Therefore I knew just where to find it. Once I had it in hand, I stalked her down (I'm not above admitting it) only to see her in what was clearly an uncomfortable situation with Native American Ken Doll and Bimbo Barbie. The magnificent machine that is my brain took it upon itself to throw caution to the wind by swooping in to save the day. Again, hindsight is 20/20 and I very well could have been swooping in to jail time or at the very least a really fucking awkward fail, but by some cosmic magic, it actually worked.

Pretty damn well, if I do say so myself.

Though my heart was trying to beat it's way right out of my chest, I kept my cool. I'd pretended to be her boyfriend of a year (thank God the timeline worked out) who lived with her (thank God they couldn't disprove that) who couldn't fall asleep without her (basically just thank God all around as far as this little stunt is concerned). I was at least telling the truth about my parents being in town. Jasper was at the airport as we spoke waiting for their flight to land. How I'm going to explain why I have no groceries after my trip to the grocery store is something I'll have to work on as I drive back to our apartment. On second thought, I'll probably just go with the truth. Mom will say it was sweet. Dad and Jazz oughtta get a kick out of it if nothing else. Providing I spring for dinner, of course.

Anyway, just to make sure Fate was thoroughly tempted, I decided to kiss her. Twice. The first time I didn't even realize what I was doing until it was done. The second time, I'd had a moment to think and I definitely realized what I was doing. And I liked it. Her lips were so soft and she tasted so good, like mint and cherries and girl. I'm pretty sure I shocked the shit out of her, judging by the way her eyes glazed over and the blush that exploded onto her face but I think she liked it. She hadn't smacked me, which was a plus.

She'd gained a bit of confidence after that and managed to give those assholes a little attitude as we walked away, which made me proud. I know it's weird to be proud of a girl I literally just met but I was. I felt kind of…I don't know, protective? She was just so tiny and timid, I couldn't help it. When she'd told me the history she had with those two, I felt even worse for her. That was rough no matter who you are and I had a strong impulse to loop back around and at least shoulder-check that Jake idiot but I resisted. We'd walked to the registers together and I'd kept at least one hand on her basically the whole time. I'd covered it by saying we should keep up the ruse but really I just wanted to keep touching her. Plus she smelled fuckawesome, if I can say that. Like roses and sugar and it was one of the best smells I've ever smelled. Smelt? Whatever.

So that's how I find myself loading Bella Swan's groceries into the back of what can only be described as the single most horrendous eyesore of a fucking truck I've ever seen in my entire life. Honestly, I'm reluctant to let her get in the death trap and drive away. Luckily though, my mouth actually gives my brain a second to think this one over and I realize how rude something like that could sound. Not that I hadn't already been rude with all the babes and the sweethearts I'd dropped in the store. Fuck, I think I even called her fancy face at one point. It is with heroic effort that I refrain from face palming like a boss right now.

I tuck the last bag into the back and turn around to face her. She's sort of hugging herself and shifting her weight from foot to foot. If I didn't know she was nervous, I'd guess she was either freezing her ass off or holding in a monstrous piss. I smile at her, hoping to ease her a little bit. Seems to work because she stops swaying and gets that glazed look in her eye.

"So I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you don't really have a boyfriend," I say. She just stares for a second before she seems to come back to her senses and shakes her head no. I smile again. "So do you mind if I get your number? I'd really like to take you out sometime," I don't realize how fucking lame that is until I've already said it.

She clears her throat. Twice. Then coughs. "Um, yeah."

"Yeah? Like, yeah you want to give me your number?" She blushes. I smile. "Yes, I would like to give you my number," she repeats. I smile wider and pull my cell phone out of my pocket. I quickly add her name and type in the numbers as she rattles them off. Once I get it saved, I dial it so she can have mine too. When her phone starts ringing (I'm surprised and pleased to note that Soulshine by the Allman Brothers is her ringtone) she jumps, startled, and I really have to work not to laugh.

"I figured I'd just call you now so you can save my number too," I explain. Of course she blushes at that and I wonder if it's weird that it turns me on. I mean, the girl's embarrassed and it's winding me up. I decide to analyze that later. She fumbles for a minute but finally manages to get her phone out. Her brow furrows as her finger swipes quickly across the screen, saving my information.

"What area code is that?" she asks without looking up.

"Chicago," I tell her. "I actually just moved here with my brother a while back. We grew up in Illinois, though," I answer. I know what's coming next.

"To Port Angeles?" she asks, looking up in surprise.

"Yeah, my brother had a hunch," I shrug. That's the easiest way to explain it. We'd wanted to move away from home after college, see what was waiting out here, and he had a hunch to move to the state of Washington. Typically, I'd have 'hunched' him upside his head for suggesting it but it was one of his _hunchy_ hunches. Yes, I know that sounds fucking retarded but Jasper gets these feelings about stuff every now and then and they're usually spot on. When we started seriously thinking of moving away, well after school we finished school, he'd had a feeling about Washington. So we started looking and lo and behold, the Port Angeles High School was in the market for both a math teacher and a history teacher. Bada bing, bada boom.

"You must really trust him," she laughs. I decide that her laughter is one of the best sounds I've ever heard. I shrug my shoulders a bit, smiling back at her.

"He is my twin, after all," I joke. Her laughter cuts off abruptly and her face pales for a second. I'm just about to grab her arms in case she faints when that signature blush of hers goes flaming across her skin. Although it kills me not to ask what caused it, I have a pretty good idea. I'm not conceited but I realize that women find me attractive and the idea of two of me is a little overwhelming.

We're not identical, though. Jasper looks much more like our dad while I clearly take after our mom. My hair is darker and reddish. His is lighter, almost blonde. He got all the curls while my hair is just a fucking asshole, doing whatever the fuck it wants most of the time. My eyes are green, his are mostly brown. He has dimples on both sides, I have only one. But we have the same smile, the same basic face structure for the most part. We're the same height and the same build. And I'm a total fucking chick for going into these details right now. Back to the moment, I decide I better not embarrass her anymore than she apparently already is and so I don't say anything. Can't be good for all that blood to be concentrated in her face like that and I definitely don't want to make her uncomfortable.

"Well look at the time," she says in a high pitched voice, glancing at her wrist awkwardly. It's made even more awkward by the fact that she's not wearing a watch. I raise my eyebrows, immensely intrigued by this girl. She blushes _again_ as she shifts her gaze over to her cell phone before waving it at me, flashing the time. I fight a smile but it wins and all I can hope is that I don't look too smirky. She gestures over her shoulders with a double thumbs up in a 'gotta go' kind of gesture and I have to laugh. Simply can't help it.

"It is getting pretty late," I agree. In reality, it's probably only six at the latest. "I'll give you a call soon though, yeah?"

"Please," she breathes instantly. My eyebrows shoot up at the husky sexiness of her tone and she coughs a bit, looking kind of shocked herself. "I mean yeah, totally, that sounds good. If you want, I mean, yeah," she rambles. I smile at her utter adorabocity (capacity to be adored) (I teach Trig not English and I'll use whatever words I see fit thankyouverymuch) and take a step back from the beast she's currently climbing into.

"Great," I answer. I take one more step away before I add, "It was really nice to meet you, Bella."

She pauses in the middle of pulling her door shut and the smile she gives me lights up her whole face. "It was so good to meet you too. And thanks for that," she nods toward the store.

"Anytime," I flash a big old grin of my own before turning and heading over to my car. I'm on the highway before I realize that I've been thinking of nothing but her since the moment I first noticed her in the store. Then I realize why I found her blushes so attractive. She's innocent. Such a contrast to the girls I usually date. Not that I look for a certain type, it's just hard to find genuine girls. Truthfully, the last couple of girls I went out with were more like her 'ex-best friend' and suddenly I'm not ok with that. I suppress a shudder as I think of Jessica, the art teacher that I'd had dinner with last weekend. She'd been nice enough and seemed ok at the time but if I'm being honest, I know that she's no better than Bimbo Barbie.

I shake my head and switch lanes, literally and figuratively. No more vapid ho's. I decide that I'm definitely going to pursue Bella and the decision puts a smile on my face. I reach over and turn the radio on, punching buttons as each station is playing either ads or suck ass music. I hit the third button and grin like a loon, cranking the volume up.

This is my 'aha moment' when I realize that once again, Jazz's hunch was right. A moment in which I don't even consider the emotional scars a girl like Bella is bound to have. Nope, I save those thoughts for much farther down the road.

For now, I keep that grin securely plastered on my face and sing at the top of my lungs.

"Talkin' 'bout soulshiiiiine, it's better than sunshine. It's better than moonshine, it's damn sure better than rain."

**A/N EPOVs will not be a regular occurrence. Just wanted his input to get us started. Thanks so much for reading and for your lovely reviews.**


	3. Its Tricky

I fly through the lobby of our apartment building just as fast as my little feet can carry me. Considering that I loaded myself down with as many bags as possible to avoid a return trip to the truck, it's not very fast. I'm just thankful that I haven't fallen or incapacitated any children or little people with my unwieldy load. Yet. I cannot freaking wait to tell Alice about Edward and the showdown.

When I get to the elevator, I try to shimmy myself around enough to press the button with my elbow and end up looking like I'm engaging in the world's awkwardest hokey pokey. I refuse to put the bags down, being unsure that I can actually pick them all back up, and just as I'm considering taking the stairs, the elevator dings and the doors open up. "Emmett, thank God! Here, take some of these," I groan in relief, sidestepping toward him.

"Jesus, Bella, you're lucky those didn't amputate a freaking arm," he scolds. He rushes forward and easily takes my entire load of groceries. I flex my fingers, noting the deep purple ruts around my wrists and admit that he wasn't actually too far off.

"Thanks Em," I step into the elevator with him and punch the button for the fourth floor. He grunts in acknowledgement. The doors close and I sigh, wondering how weird it would be for me to tell him about Edward's inhuman hotness. I decide to feel him out. "Where ya headed anyway?"

I look up at him and narrow my eyes. He looks sheepish. "Uh, Jake and Tanya invited me over for dinner," he hedges.

"What a whore!" I seriously can't help it, that's my automatic reaction when I hear her name spoken. Thank God I didn't come down with Judgy Tarets at WalMart just now.

"She so is!" he responds immediately and I can't help but think of Pavlov's dogs. Poor Em has been so conditioned that even though he's trying to stay neutral, his automatic reaction is to agree with whatever horrible things any of us say about Tanya or Jake.

"Did you know they're getting married?" I ask, suspicious. I love Emmett, I really do, but I'm seriously not above castration for deception of that magnitude. He looks genuinely shocked and I know he had no idea.

He starts sputtering, torn between defending his ignorance and trying to figure out how I knew before him. "I had no, how did you, I swear I didn't-"

"I just ran into them at WalMart," I cut in before he hurts himself. The elevator stops on the fourth floor and we step out together. "Like, literally hit their cart with mine. Tanya flashed her stupid ring in my face, of course," I mutter. He frowns, obviously bothered. "But hey, do me a favor?" I ask, looking at him hopefully.

"Bella, I told you I'm not comfortable with cutting her brake lines. I just think-"

"No, not that. Although if you ever do change your mind that could be like five years worth of birthday and Christmas presents in one," I remind him. He knows the drill but still adamantly refuses. Some mumbo jumbo about third degree murder, I don't know the details of the nonsense he speaks. "No, when I was there, stuck in their web of deceit, this totally hot guy came swooping in out of nowhere and pretended to be my boyfriend," I explain. His brow furrows as we stop in front of my door. I hold up my hand to stave off his twenty questions. "Totally. Hot. And he was super nice," I assure him. "Anyway, his name is Edward Cullen and he pretended that we lived together, so if A-holes One and Two ask, can you go with that?"

He deliberates for a moment. "I'm not too keen on lying to him, Bella. He is my best friend."

"I'm not asking you to lie, just go with it! Please, Em? Pleeeeaaassse?" I clasp my hands under my chin and give him the puppy dog face. He rolls his eyes.

"And what about Alice?" he asks.

I think for a second. "Just say she lives with us. Matter of fact, just say we still live in this apartment and that he moved in here. That's got so much truth in it, it hardly even qualifies as a lie," I try to downplay the dishonesty as much as possible. I swear Emmett is like fucking Abe Lincoln reincarnated with his strict no lying policy. Which is why he wouldn't tell Jacob that Adrian Brody whisked me away to a tropical island, where I was revered as a queen and drank mojitos all the livelong day. Whatever, Brody's hot. Don't judge me. "Emmett, please!"

He heaves an Emmett-sized sigh. "Fine. How long have you been 'dating' this guy?" The air quotes are actually audible. I know he's not thrilled but he agreed and that's saying something.

"Our one year anniversary is next week. Oh and his parents are flying in for a visit today," I add, trying to cover all my bases.

"Fine, Edward Cullen. Totally hot. Dating a year. Lives with you and Al. Parents flying in today. Anything else?" If I wasn't so ecstatic, I might feel a little bad for him.

"He's a twin," I add. "But I don't know his brothers name so just downplay that."

"Fine. You're lucky I love you," he reminds me. I snort.

"More like I'm lucky you're scared shitless of Rose," I correct him. I fiddle with the lock and pop the door open.

"That too," he mumbles. I swing the door open and motion him in before me. I follow him, pulling the door shut behind me.

"Alice! Rose! Get your asses in the kitchen pronto!" I bellow, beyond ready to share my unbelievable tale. I hear clattering and a curse.

"She's trying to finish that clock," Emmett explains. "She's been taking the fucking thing everywhere."

Rose comes storming into the kitchen, paint on her face and arms, looking pissed. See, Rose makes cute and quirky custom gadgets. Clocks, picture frames, stools, you name it. She calls herself a modern day tinker. Since her pieces are so individual, they're also really expensive. And take a really long time for her to finish. So it's not unusual for her to cart them around with her when she comes to hang out, as I assume she's planning to do while Emmett visits the despicable liars. She huffs in annoyance, then sees Emmett and smiles tiredly. "Miss me already babe?"

"I always miss you," he says, sliding over and kissing her on the cheek.

I make the loudest gagging noises I can muster, repeatedly, until they snicker.

"Sorry Bella, I'm trying to get the hands finished but I'm having a hard time bending them. It's tricky," Rose explains. As soon as she says it, tiny feet come thundering down the hall and I face-palm. Even I thought of Run DMC when Rose said 'tricky' and so I know exactly what's coming.

"Did somebody say tricky?" Alice inquires in her singsong voice as she gracefully leaps into the center of the floor. I try to deny it but she continues before I can even speak. "Because this speech is my recital. I think it's very vital, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, It's Tricky is the title," she starts doing some weird moon walk/seizure thing and I try to be annoyed, I really do. She just looks so goddam stupid, I have to laugh. She nods over at Rose who, of course, jumps right the fuck in and they sing the next part together.

"It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky!"

"It's tricky," Alice.

"Tricky!" Rose.

"Tricky!" Alice.

"Tricky!" Rose. Now they're both dancing, if you can call it that, and Emmett is cracking up. I try to stop them while they sing the second part of the chorus, flailing my hands and begging when they take a breath, telling them I have exciting news. No dice.

"Rap it, baby!" Rose commands Emmett, pumping her arms in and out, directly in front of her chest while Alice appears to be walking like an Egyptian with a vigorous hip thrust. I groan, throwing my fists up toward the ceiling.

And because I live in a bad 90's sitcom, Emmett starts rapping like it's his job. Complete with exaggerated hand motions, all pointing to the general direction of his belt buckle. "I met this little girly, her hair was kinda curly. Went to her house and bust her out, I had to leave real early! These girls are really sleazy, all they just say is please me, or spend some time and rock a rhyme. I said it's not that easy!"

Realizing that I have no hope of getting out of this unscathed, especially now that I've got Bubba Sparxx _and_ Salt N Pepa dougie-ing their way toward me, I relent and jump in for the second chorus.

By the time we get through the song (yes, the entire fucking song), I'm winded and totally uninterested in putting groceries away. Emmett makes a hasty exit, not wanting to be late, and so now I'm sitting at the breakfast bar, staring disapprovingly at Alice and Rose.

"What did you want to tell us?" Alice asks, sliding a stool out.

"I don't think so, Flava Flav! You wanna hear my story, you get to unpacking those groceries," I inform her. She narrows her eyes at me but starts emptying bags.

"Come on, Bella. Dish." Rose tries her hand at pulling a stool out.

"You too, Ice Cube." I give her a stony look. She stares back for a second and I know she's tempted to make a remark about not living here, but then she huffs loudly and joins Alice. "You can talk while we do this, you know," she grumbles, opening a cupboard.

"Oh I know," I reply lightly, putting my feet up on the stool across from me. And in the spirit of sisters and best friends the world over, I luxuriate in lording this tiny bit of power over them. See, as badly as I want to tell it, they want to hear it even worse. Nothing ever happens to me and it's eating them alive. "I think I'll wait in case anybody wants to break into song again," I hold my right hand out as if I'm inspecting my nails. And then catch a roll of paper towels with my face.

Bitches.

**A/N Thank you for reading.**


	4. The Troll of Wayward Hook Ups

"No fucking way," Alice breathes. She and Rose have finally gotten the groceries put away and listened to my entire tale. Twice. The first telling was interrupted quite frequently with indignant comments and slurs against the character of The Sleezeballs so I had to re-tell everything once they understood that the main point of my excitement was focused on the Supahot Avenging Angel of Mercy that is Edward Cullen.

I think it's fair to say that I'm a bit dramatic.

"Yes fucking way," I confirm. I nod, for emphasis. "My fallopian tubes literally seizured. Real talk. I felt them."

"That is so kick ass," Rose declares. Alice furrows her brow and waves her hand to get our attention.

"So what you're telling me is that this guy, who is so hot that he causes female reproductive organs to seize, has a twin brother?"

Rose snorts, flipping her hair over her right shoulder as she shifts a foot up onto the chair she's sitting in. I can't help but roll my eyes. Alice is a hopeless romantic and is always looking for a quirky way to start a relationship. Since we were in the third grade, she has always claimed that her 'love story' would have a great beginning. "Not quite. But yes, that is true."

"Oh Bella, this is amazing! We're going to date brothers! Twins, no less!" her tiny frame vibrates with excitement as she claps her hands together, leaning forward and wrapping her monkey toes around the top rung of her stool.

"Slow down, honcho! Nobody said anything about dating," I cut her off before she can go crazy with this. It would not be the first time she's tried to push me into dating someone. I would typically describe Alice as a very chic, fashion-forward fairy. All cute and dainty. However, when she starts trying to play matchmaker, she sorta morphs into a troll of wayward hook-ups in my mind.

A troll who can't seem to grasp the fact that I don't want a boyfriend. Someone to hang out with every once in a while? Yes. A hot hunk of eye candy to meet up with for drinks? Sure! A screwmate, even? You bet your sweet ass. But relationships just don't work for me.

As if that fact hadn't been made abundantly clear by the Disaster Formerly Known As Jake, every attempt I've made since then has ended in flames as well. Besides, judging by Hottie McSexpants Edward Cullen, I sincerely doubt a serious relationship is on his list of shit to do, either.

I notice Rose give her the 'be quiet and don't freak out the relationshipaplegic' eyebrow, which causes me to sigh. I stand up and start pacing around the kitchen. "Seriously, guys. I just don't want to date anyone, it's not the right time. Besides, love is for the birds."

"Your last name is Swan, idget. That classifies you as a bird," Alice retorts.

"Idget?" Rose smirks before I have a chance to call her on it.

"Back to school next week, remember?" she responds in a gosh-I-can't-believe-what-idiots-my-friends-are voice with her eyebrows raised. Alice is a kindergarten teacher, so she tries to limit cursing to the summer months. Obviously it would not be a good idea to drop an F bomb in a room full of unsuspecting five year olds, so a week or two before she goes back she tries to get into the habit of using the lamest words in the world.

We nod in understanding, deciding to forgo commenting on the fact that 'idget' probably isn't the best word for kindergarteners to pick up either.

"Anyway, you need to get over this _I don't want a relationship_ mumbo jumbo and get back on the horse. Jake was a tool and obviously not worth your time. Big deal, stuff happens," Alice says, looking at me. Her tone is a little too nonchalant, making it painfully obvious that she wants to bust out in full-on mother hen mode.

Neither of them have mentioned the glaring fact that while he and I had been together for more than three years, Jake had never seen fit to propose to me. Not that I am regretting that fact, it just kind of stings. Like, what is so special about She Who Shall Not Be Named that he can imagine spending the rest of his life with her when they have only been together for fourteen months?

Unless, of course, you take into consideration the possibility that perhaps they were going behind my back for a lot longer than I'm aware of. But that's not something I like to think about. I mean, obviously they are both piece of shit a-holes, not worth my time. But how embarrassing is it to consider that the two people you thought you loved more than anyone in the world could deceive you like that without you ever even suspecting it? Ugh!

I shake my head and get back into the moment. "Fine, I'll give you Jake. What about James?"

"Ok, admittedly, that was a bad idea," she concedes. Mm-hm.

"And Embry?" I raise an eyebrow, opening the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

"Retrospect shows that maybe he wasn't the best match," she murmurs, picking at her cuticles. Rose sighs.

"I think we can all agree that Mike was a fucking disaster," she interjects. "Literally."

This observation cracks us all up. Good old Mike the Micropeen. He was the first guy I went out with after the whole shit-storm and while it was probably too soon for me to be dating in the first place, I was literally dying of sex depravation. Ok, not literally but close. I think we've already established that I tend toward the dramatic.

Anyway, he was a barista at the Starbucks that Alice frequents and she thought we'd make a cute couple. And if I'm being fair, he was pretty hot. All spiky blonde hair and dark blue eyes, he definitely had a total surfer vibe going on. Especially with his tanned skin and bright white smile. He was pretty nice, too, I can't lie. So I may or may not have jumped the gun and invited him up the night of our first date but again, I was reaching critical levels.

To make a long story short (ha!) I'd made the unforgivable faux pas of asking him if 'it' was in. According to him, it definitely was and already had been for some time. Oh man, my face still burns thinking of his utter mortification and the hasty exit he made. I thought guys only hopped down hallways with their pants halfway on in movies but no. That shit happens in real life.

"Ok, fine! Have it your way! But I have a really good feeling about this, that's all I'm gonna say," Alice informs us. She stands up, doing a morning stretch and then puts her hands on her hips. "Back to the hotness. Where's he at on a scale of one to Gosling?"

I breathe in with a whistle, considering where I would rate Edward. I remember that hair, those eyes and Jesus God in Heaven, that jaw. He's pretty effing hot. Then again, Gosling is Gosling. This is a tough one. "Gosling with a shirt on, right? Cause Edward was fully clothed so it really wouldn't be fair to judge him against a shirtless Gosling."

"Shirt on," Alice agrees. I deliberate for another few seconds.

"I'm gonna say at least Skarsgard, if not full on Gosling," I tell them with raised eyebrows. Skarsgard is nine while obviously Gosling represents a perfect ten, the standard by which all others are measured and found wanting. Yes, we objectify men based on a Celebrity Scale O' Hotness. Sue us.

They suck in a shocked breath. I nod. Yep.

"Damn," Rose mutters, shaking her head. I lean against the counter, taking the cap off of my water and chugging some down.

"And his twin is identical?" Alice asks hopefully. I chuckle, recapping my bottle.

"He didn't say but even if they're just fraternal, I can't imagine that anyone sharing his DNA could be less than at _least_ McAvoy level. I mean seriously. Dude is hot."

"I'd be so jealous right now if I didn't already have my own Gosling," Rose tells us. Alice and I automatically make gagging noises. "What? Emmett is fine, I don't care what you say!"

"Come on, Rose. That's just gross," Alice says.

"Yeah. Maybe if we hadn't all seen him throw up on himself in the first grade," I concur.

"Yeah. Ew and what about that time in fifth grade when his pants fell down during the Christmas play and he was wearing those super tight underpants?" Alice throws in.

"Oh God! Remember in seventh grade when he-"

"I get it!" Rose cuts in. "He's done some embarrassing shit. So what? It gives him character and personally, I like that we know everything about each other. It's sweet," she asserts.

Alice and I make 'yeah, okay' faces at each other but it's all in good fun. Rose and Emmett have been together since she told him exactly what to get her for Valentine's Day in sixth grade. He's been following her around ever since and I guess I have to admit that it's kind of adorable.

My phone starts ringing right then, cutting into my sappy ass reverie. My bag is closest to Rose, who rifles through it quickly and tosses the phone to me a second later. Of course I miss it and give her the evil eye as it clatters to the floor. She shakes her head while half-heartedly facepalming. Like it's my fault she threw something at my supremely uncoordinated ass, expecting me to catch it. I scramble to pick it up, worried that the stupidly expensive piece of crap could be cracked.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the shiny screen is in pristine condition but then my bowels tighten up when I see that it's Charlie calling.

"What, who is it?" Alice asks when she sees my panicked expression.

"It's Charlie!" I shout-whisper, as though he can hear me even though I haven't answered yet.

"Oh shit!" Rose exclaims, cottoning on to the fact that news travels fast and Charlie will definitely be curious about this live-in boyfriend that he has never even heard of, much less met.

I know better than to let him go to voicemail because then he'll just make the trek from Forks and my ass will really be up a creek. You know, since there is no boyfriend or boyfriend paraphernalia here. So it is with a palpitating heart and sweaty hands that I answer his call; I've never been a good liar. Especially not where Charlie's concerned.

"Hey Dad!" I greet in a waaaaaaaay too enthusiastic tone.

"Hey Bells," he grumbles. I can't fail to compare him to Eeyore, even in this panic situation. "Got something you wanna fill me in on?"

**A/N Thanks for reading!**


	5. Gin Slushies and Junk Food

**Because I'm très lame and haven't updated in years, here's a bit from the last chapter:**

_"It's Charlie!" I shout-whisper, as though he can hear me even though I haven't answered yet._

_"Oh shit!" Rose exclaims, cottoning on to the fact that news travels fast and Charlie will definitely be curious about this live-in boyfriend that he has never even heard of, much less met._

_I know better than to let him go to voicemail because then he'll just make the trek from Forks and my ass will really be up a creek. You know, since there is no boyfriend or boyfriend paraphernalia here. So it is with a palpitating heart and sweaty hands that I answer his call; I've never been a good liar. Especially not where Charlie's concerned._

_"Hey Dad!" I greet in a waaaaaaaay too enthusiastic tone._

_"Hey Bells," he grumbles. I can't fail to compare him to Eeyore, even in this panic situation. "Got something you wanna fill me in on?"_

"Haha! What do you mean?" Is my genius response. My tone is slightly manic and I'm pacing through the apartment at warp speed. Despite how fast I'm moving, Rose and Alice manage to stay glued to my ass.

"What's this Billy tells me about a boyfriend?" he clarifies. I stop and spin to face my shadows, mouthing _'effing Jake!' _to them before resuming my loop through the living room. I hear their hands flapping behind me and try to focus on my response.

"Oh, that!" I titter nervously. "You don't remember me telling you about Edward?"

"No."

I wince and decide to try for a joke. "Geez, Dad, it must be hell getting old!" I chuckle, but he doesn't join in.

"Pretty sure if you had told me about some strange guy living with you, I'd remember. I'm not that damn old," he huffs.

"It's really not that big a deal," I tell him. I stop in front of the bathroom mirror, where Rose and Alice pop up behind me on either side. Their faces are scrunched up in nervous excitement and they're seriously crowding me as they try to hear what he's saying. I sigh and take my phone away from my ear, putting him on speaker.

"Not that big a deal?" he echoes. "How well do you know this guy? How did you even meet him? Hell, he could be some psychopath living with you and Ally just waiting for the right time to strike!"

Rose bites back a laugh, covering her mouth with the back of her hand while Alice and I roll our eyes.

"Dad, I assure you he is not a psychopath and if he was going to kill us, he would have done it already," I try in a calming tone.

"You didn't answer my questions. Where'd you meet this clown?" My eyes dart back and forth between the girls. This is where I'll screw everything up if I'm not careful. They whisper-shout _WalMart _and I hear myself blurt it out before I have time to think.

There's a moment of silence while he absorbs this.

"And what's his last name?" he finally responds.

"Nope, no way! You are not checking him out, Dad! He's not a killer or a rapist. He's normal and you're not invading his privacy."

Rose and Alice nod furiously in approval.

"Bells. Listen to me. You don't know what people are capable of. If this schmuck is as normal as you seem to think he is, then he'll check out clean and we can both sleep easy," he tries to reason.

"How, exactly, will you abusing your privileges as an officer of the law, sworn to uphold justice and monogamy, or whatever," here Rose facepalms and Alice clutches her forehead, "for your own personal gain help me sleep any better? And you're the chief, for crying out loud! What kind of twisted debauchery goes on at that station when the chief himself is crooked?" I ask in mock dismay.

He snorts at that. "Monogamy? Really, Bells?"

"Whatever, Dad, there's no way I'm telling you his last name."

"Then I'm coming up to meet him," he informs me. Shit! Alice waves her arms frantically, looking like she's trying to land a fucking plane, and Rose is miming something to me that looks like giving birth. His parents! That's what she's saying, and I high five her for being a damn genius.

"Not this week, you can't! His parents are visiting," I say with no small degree of relief. Alice pantomimes wiping sweat off her forehead and I roll my eyes so hard it hurts a little.

"Sounds like the perfect time, then. Kill all the birds with one stone, don't you think?" he asks. I open my mouth to respond but all that comes out is a strangled sound. "Bella?"

I clear my throat. "No, not the perfect time! I haven't even met them yet! I don't want to bombard them with meeting too many people at once," I trail off. I really have nothing to lose at this point, which is the only way I can justify the next words out of my mouth. "They're agoraphobic. And they have weak hearts. Plus I think his dad is albino," I add, closing my eyes in shame. This is why I don't lie.

"What?" he asks. What, indeed.

"I know, it's…so crazy. Anyway, you see why meeting you unexpectedly might trigger an attack of some kind and I don't want either one of us to have to live with their blood on our hands," I shake my head and dare not open my eyes to see how Alice and Rose are taking these new developments.

"Listen, kid. I don't know about agoraphobic albinos," his tone relays a high level of disbelief. "But I am coming up there to meet this joker if he's living under the same roof as my child, and that's all there is to it."

A feeling of panic rises up in my chest as I recognize the finality in his tone. I know there's nothing I can say to dissuade him, but I'm hoping I can postpone the visit by at least a few days. I pop my eyes open and am surprised to find that I'm alone in the bathroom. I peek into the hall but there's no sign of either of the girls.

"Fine. But can you at least let his parents get in and settled? They're just getting in tonight, and I'm sure they want to see him and have the chance to meet me before the Spanish Inquisition swoops in on them," I grumble.

"Fair enough. How's Sunday sound?" I notice the hint of victory in his tone and can't say I'm a huge fan of it.

"Sunday's good," I answer on a sigh.

"Ok then. Love ya, kid."

"Love you, too, Dad. See you Sunday," I answer, defeated. I wait until I hear him hang his old rotary phone up before slumping down against the wall. When I reach the floor, I hang my head between my knees and try to think.

"Agoraphobic albinos?" Rose snorts. I look up to see my best friends in the doorway, clearly amused.

"Look, Sally McJudgeyPants, I was under pressure," I try to defend myself.

"You don't want to live with their blood on your hands?" Alice asks, barely suppressing laughter. I sigh and try to look martyred, but before I know it I'm busting a gut. A minute later, we're all rolling on the floor, clutching our sides at my sheer idiocy. I mean, for real. Where do I even come up with this shit?

Once the laughter has subsided, we lie on our backs and catch our breath. I stare at the ceiling of our hallway, having rolled partially out of the bathroom during the fit of hysterics, and try to cobble some kind of plan together.

"You know what you have to do," Rose tells me after a few beats of silence. I do, but I don't want to acknowledge it. Edward is way too hot to have to burden with my crazy.

"You have to get him here," Alice finishes. I sigh as long and hard as I can. Then I take a breath, and do it again.

"Guys. I know it may have sounded like I was exaggerating his hotness before but I really was not. How can I possibly ask the hottest guy in this city, nay, the entire U.S. of A. to come here and pretend to be my live-in boyfriend under the scrutiny of my psycho police chief dad?" I whine.

"Hot or not, this is all his fault," Rose points out.

"Yeah!" Alice chimes in.

"You two totally just reminded me of the bully kid from A Christmas Story and his little lackey," I chuckle.

"Hey!" Alice protests, poking me in the side, while Rose snorts again.

"But you make a point," I admit. "I still don't want to call him, though."

"You know what you need?" Alice props herself up on one elbow and looks down at me.

"Superpowers?" I ask, eyebrows raised.

"A Slush Puppie," she clarifies. I sit up abruptly, startled by her genius. When we were growing up, she lived a block away from a convenience store that had a Slush Puppie machine, and anytime life got rough we headed over there to buy some.

Of course, we also dumped half out and refilled the cup with whatever Rose was able to pilfer from her parents liquor cabinet. Which, in retrospect, may have been the secret behind their magic ability to make our problems go away. Still, it's a good idea.

"Where can we get Slush Puppies?" Rose asks.

"The 7-Eleven down the street has a machine," Alice answers. How I did not know this is a mystery to me but I'm suddenly excited.

"Effing sweet!" Rose fist pumps. "You two go get the slushies, I'll go get the gin."

Within a couple of minutes, we're out the door on our quest for slushies and booze. I clutch a short list of supplies in one hand as Alice and I make our way down the sidewalk. I realize that I have no idea what time it is but I guess it doesn't really matter. It's Friday, and I don't have to work tomorrow, so I don't really care what time I make it to bed tonight. Either way, it's only just gotten dark so I know it can't be too late.

"I'm so excited!" Alice squeals, clapping her hands together as we walk.

"Me too," I agree. It's been a while since we've all gotten drunk together and I'm looking forward to it, despite my growing anxiety over calling Edward. All I can hope is that I manage to do it after I catch a slight buzz but before I'm officially drunk. That's a very small window, but I'm optimistic.

The bells on the door jangle loudly as we walk into the convenience store, and the clerk looks up from a magazine on her lap. "Hey ladies," she waves one hand.

"Hey, Amanda," we answer in unison as we head toward the back of the store. Having worked at this store for the last few years, Amanda has seen some of my more, shall we say, shameful moments.

Many a time just after the incident, I would drift in wearing ratty pajamas, red-nosed and swollen-eyed, to raid the Good Humor freezer in the middle of the night. She would just give me a small, knowing smile, and hand over my change. Once I started getting better, she managed to get me to talk a bit and commiserated with me over what an asshole Jake is and what a traitorous whore Tanya is. Alice wholeheartedly agreed and they hit it off the first time she heard Amanda refer to Tanya as the Hag from Hell. Suffice to say, we're all on a first name basis.

Alice heads straight for the slushy machine while I start grabbing the other items from our list. Three Slim Jims, two bags of Combos, one bag of Doritos and a giant bag of Gummi Bears. I dump them all on the counter but Amanda doesn't look up from the magazine she's staring at.

"What the actual fuck," she mutters under her breath. I raise my eyebrows, not sure what she's talking about. She raises her head slowly, a dazed look on her face. "Look at this," she commands, bringing the glossy pages in front of my face. There's an exceedingly hot actor in the center of the page. I nod in appreciation.

"Nice. Isn't he the guy from _Water For Elephants_?" I ask, straightening out my pile of junk food as Alice slides a drink carrier with three large Slush Puppies onto the counter.

"Yes, but look!" she wiggles the page in front of me and I chuckle. "Look at those fingers."

I shake my head but lean in to see the page closer. I look at the guys hands, which are spread out over his knees as he leans toward a talk show host in the picture. His fingers are pretty damn long, I have to admit.

"Oh damn," Alice mutters. "He's got some big hands, doesn't he?"

"Oh yes," Amanda sighs dreamily. She removes the magazine from our immediate view and looks longingly at the picture once more before setting it aside to ring us up. "Anyway, what's on the roster tonight?"

"Gin slushies and junk food," Alice chirps.

"Shit, we need Gatorade for the morning," I suddenly realize.

"Good call," Alice agrees. I jog back to the coolers and grab two purples. I have no idea what the actual flavor is but I know that it's the next best thing to Pedialyte as far as a hangover is concerned. Yes, I've actually ingested Pedialyte to remedy a hangover in the past. Don't judge me.

When I get back up to the counter, Alice is finishing up the abridged version of my day while Amanda listens raptly, clutching the bag of Gummi Bears to her chest.

"I wish I could have seen the look on Skankasaurus Rex's face when Hot Guy swooped in," she crackles, ringing the candy up.

"It was pretty sweet," I agree. "Actually, the whole thing was kind of surreal. I mean, he is just so unbelievably sexy," I sigh.

"Why oh why was I not at WalMart today?" she groans, bagging up the Gatorades. I can't help but laugh and she smiles in return. "Seriously, though, if anybody something as fuckawesome as that to happen to them, it's you."

"Thank you, that's very sweet," I tell her.

"That'll be twenty four sixty eight," she grins and holds a hand out. "And you better stop in here on Sunday with Lord Hottie McSexPants," she warns.

"I'll see what I can do," I assure her as I hand over my debit card. "Honestly, I just hope I live through the whole ordeal."

"Psht, you'll be fine!" Alice dismisses my worry. Easy for her to say. Amanda returns my card and hands me the receipt while Alice grabs our bags off the counter. I grab the slushies and we call out goodbyes as we make our way toward the door.

"Good luck! " Amanda's voice drifts behind us as we walk out onto the sidewalk. I glance over at Alice as we head back toward our building. She looks as excited as I feel, and I cling to the optimistic feeling that washes over me. Maybe this won't turn out to be a complete cluster after all.

**A/N Thanks for reading!**


	6. Advil and Heinous Whores

**Three Things: First, Convenience Store Amanda from last chapter was inspired by notthatamanda, who totally **_**is**_** that Amanda in my story, and I have to thank her so much for letting me steal her tweets for my clerk. She's hilarious and awesome and happens to be the author of a sexy little fic that y'all should seriously check out.**

**Second, I'm shooting for Sunday updates but last week I was in the grips of a nearly fatal hangover. It was touch and go all weekend. I may be exaggerating but it was bad.**

**Third, thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. You kick major ass. Ok, on with the story!**

Gamma rays of death are being focused on my eyelids and there's a tiny little man shitting in my mouth. It's also entirely possible that I'm just hungover with the sun beating on my face. I squeeze my eyes shut as hard as I can and stick my tongue out to get the nasty taste out of my mouth.

"Oh, you are dead sexy right now," Alice croaks from somewhere above me. I release a zombie groan in response and roll away from her voice. Unfortunately, the jostling of my precious melon triggers the start of what I can only imagine is the Great Grand Pappy of All Headaches and I groan again, clutching the side of my head.

"Kill me," I mutter. She snorts. "Seriously. Smother me with a pillow. I won't even struggle," I assure her. The bed shifts and a moment later my psychotic roommate is legit smothering me with a pillow. I struggle, despite my claims of a moment ago, and she relents. I sit up, theatrically gasping for air and giving her the stink eye to end all stink eyes.

"What? You told me to," she smriks. She's wearing a Rainbow Brite nightgown and looks like hot vomit. Her hair is plastered to her head on one side, sticking straight up and out on the other, and she has mascara smeared across the bridge of her nose.

"All that time you've spent with five year olds is really starting to warp your world view," I tell her. She gives me a unconcerned shrug and heaves a sigh. I roll my eyes and very gently shake my head at her lack of concern.

"The purples are in the fridge, right?" she asks.

"Yes, good thinking," I tell her. I ease myself back down onto the bed. "Can you bring mine here please?"

"I'll grab some Advil, too," she tells me as she turns toward the door. I close my eyes and curl into a fetal position, trying to remember what we did the night before. I recall Rose playing some music and all of us dancing in the living room. I remember finishing our super strong slushies and starting on shots. I remember attempting to play a board game, but I can't say for sure which one. I vaguely remember walking back to the store to get some more slushies. I remember more shots. I remember some more dancing. I remember calling -

"Shit! Alice!" I screech, headache be damned. I'm off the bed and doing an awkward crab-run into the kitchen as I clutch my forehead with one hand while supporting myself along the wall with the other. I've got mysterious aches and pains all over the place and my balance right now is shotty at best. I'd like to know why the hell my body hurts but first, I have to get some details about calling Edward.

"Yes, Igor?" she smirks, eyebrows raised. I realize I do sort of resemble a hunchback the way I'm standing and attempt to straighten up. That's not working, so I lean forward to balance my weight on the breakfast bar.

"I called Edward last night," I state instead of asking because I'm about 98% sure I did. She sits on a stool on the opposite side of the bar, sliding my Gatorade over.

"That is a true statement," she confirms. Before I can bemoan the ill-fate that is drunk dialing, she holds up a hand. "First, that was the point. Second, it went really well so don't freak out."

I hobble around to sit down next to her. "Details, please."

She hands me the bottle of Advil.

"Well, basically, you told him what happened with Charlie and asked him if it would be possible for him and his parents to come over for dinner on Sunday. He seemed to be pretty amused, either at the situation or your semi-slur, and said they could. His brother is coming, too," she waggles her eyebrows up and down on that one.

"And that's it?" I ask, twisting the cap off my purple. That's not so bad, I can deal with that.

"You may or may not have indicated that you find him attractive."

"Give it to me straight, Al. What did I say?" I cringe in anticipation. She picks at her Gatorade label for a few seconds before speaking. I take this opportunity to pop two pills and take a big swig of my drink.

"You dubbed him 'The Avenging Lord Hottie McSexpants' and commended him on both his timely arrival and quick dispatch of the heinous whores at the grocery store," she informs me. I groan, dropping my forehead to the countertop. "Here, I'll act it out for you," she offers.

"Please, do not do that," I beg without lifting my head. She huffs.

"Fine. It was pretty hilarious, though. Maybe when you're recovered, I'll reenact it. But seriously, I'm pretty sure he thought it was cute. I mean, he sent you a friend request after you got off the phone. That's proof that he didn't think it was lame, right?"

My head shoots up off the table at that. "Friend request? As in Facebook? A Facebook friend request?"

She nods and I scramble off the stool and into the living room. My Mac is in it's usual spot on the entertainment stand, so I snatch it up and limp to the couch. Alice is right behind me, wedging herself between me and the arm of the sectional so she can see the screen as I bring up my friend page with a quickness. I scroll down to the E's and there he is, his profile picture radiating a hotness so severe that it's almost painful to look at. I click it and his page loads a few seconds later.

Alice and I emit sighs of adoration at the sheer perfection that is his cover photo. It's a shot of him and his twin (although the guy is blonde, he's definitely the twin) with their arms over each others shoulders at a party. Or maybe inside a bar. Either way, they're all smiley and happy and just devastatingly handsome. I start scrolling down his timeline and checking out his info. Studied Mathematics at Chicago State. Lives in Port Angeles. Works at Port Angeles High School.

"Wait, he's a math teacher at the high school?" Alice asks, gripping my shoulder.

"Apparently so," I concur. She hums in approval as I continue scrolling down. His friends section shows one mutual and for a second, I'm confused. "He's friends with Jessica Stanley?"

Alice scoffs. "More like Hot Messica Stanley. And she's an art teacher at the high school, so that's probably how he knows her." The way she pronounces 'art' makes it kind of sound like 'bullshit' and I snort. We loathe Jessica Stanley. She was just one of those girls that was always stirring up gossip and being sneakily nasty. Queen of the Backhanded Compliment and all around Bitchface Extraordinaire. I'm friends with her out of spite and I do believe that's the only reason she sent me the request in the first place.

I resume my downward scroll.

His status updates seem a little boring, but then he may have students trolling his page so that's understandable. I click on his albums, which, let's be honest, is what I'm most concerned with. He has disappointingly few pictures, and only two albums. Most of them have his brother in them, and are ridiculously hot. While I'm pleased to note that there are none with any girls in them, there are multiple comments from girls on every one of them. More than a couple from Stanley and I'm not a huge fan of her admiration. Not that I have any real claim to stake, but still. He's my pretend boyfriend. Bitch needs to step off.

Once we've completed the initial stalk of his page, Alice makes me click on his family info and we learn that his brothers name is Jasper. She thinks it's sexy. We then attempt to stalk his page as well but it's private and we're thwarted. She decides to get a shower at that point but I stay on Facebook.

Of course, I have to check out my own profile now to see how it's going to look to him. You know, make sure there are no embarrassing pictures or posts that I wouldn't want a potential suitor to see. My profile picture shows me giving an enthusiastic thumbs up in full running gear from the annual 5k we always participate in. Not my best picture but still cute. My cover picture shows Rose and I standing next to Alice's birthday cake from earlier this year. We were so proud of that damn cake, having baked and decorated it ourselves. Her party was themed Alice In Wonderland (original, I know) and we made the cake in the Tim Burton style, all topsy turvy and tripped out looking. It was actually pretty awesome. She cried.

I scroll down and find everything to be status quo, so I close my laptop and look at the clock. I realize that my hangover has tamed down to a slight throb in the back of my head and I stand up to stretch. I'm still sore, for whatever mystery reason, but I'll survive. I hear the shower turn off and shuffle to my room so I can get grab a change of clothes. I'm Level Six Nasty right now and need to get in the bathroom stat.

Just as I pull open a dresser drawer to grab some clean underpants, I hear my phone chime from behind me. Turning, I notice it sitting on my bedside table and am proud of Drunk Me for remembering to plug it in to charge before I passed out. I head over and grab it before the screen has dimmed. My stomach flops when I see that it's a text from Edward and I swipe my finger along the bottom to unlock it.

_**Good morning Sunshine, hope you're not too hungover. I just read your text from last night. You'll be happy to know that my parents cardiac health is stellar and there is no albinism in my family.**_

I groan and slap my palm over my face in utter shame and misery. I can't even bring myself to look through the history and read the text I apparently sent him last night. Instead, I suck it up and try to tap out a response.

_**Haha Alice is an idiot, sorry for the crazy text she sent last night!**_

My finger hovers over the send button but I just can't do it. I erase that text and try again.

_**Crazy thing, my phone sometimes sends texts all by itself about the randomest stuff!**_

I sigh. Nope.

_**A band of midgets broke in and stole my phone last-**_

I shake my head and decide to man up.

_**I am so sorry, I was super drunk. I don't usually do that but I can definitely explain it all in person tomorrow. Thank you so much for agreeing to come, I know this is a crazy situation. And good morning to you too :)**_

I immediately regret the smiley face but I've already sent the message. Somebody should really invent a text recall feature or something, I mean seriously. I can't be the only one that experiences consistent Texters Remorse, right? It also probably wouldn't be a bad idea to invent a Breathalyzer App to prevent the entire institution of drunk dialing and/or texting while they're at it. My phone chirps in my hand, interrupting my musings.

_**No worries, it happens. Besides, you sound like a pretty cute drunk. Are you free for dinner tonight? I was thinking we may need to come up with a game plan for tomorrow :)**_

My stomach flutters at the thought of seeing him today and my heart swells in gratitude that he Sympathy Smilied me in his response. My face is split in a huge grin as I text him back with an enthusiastic yes.

I don't even think twice about the winky I add at the end.

**A/N Thanks for reading!**


	7. Drunken Ramblings and Stealthy Twins

**Last chapter ended on Saturday morning with Bella. This chapter is the night before (Friday night) with Edward.**

"Phone's ringing," Jasper tells me. We're catching up on Game of Thrones with the volume set to Put Us All Deaf, so I have no idea how he can hear my phone from the down the hall but whatever. I heave myself up off the couch and jog towards my room to grab it. Mom and Dad fell asleep not long after dinner, tired from the traveling. I can't say I blame them, either. They had three stops on their flight and they're still internally running two hours ahead of the time here. They basically stayed awake long enough to catch up over dinner, including listening to how I'd met Bella earlier, before they hit the hay.

Speaking of the devil, I see that it's Bella calling when I snatch my phone up off the dresser and can't help smiling. I shut the door to drown out the television and collapse on the bed before answering. It's a little late, not that I mind, and I'm wondering what she's calling about. I'm still pretty geeked that she's calling at all, though, to be honest.

"Hello?" I ask in what I hope is a nonchalant tone.

"Edward, hey! Hi, hello," she blurts out in quick succession. I've got a big ass grin on my face at her nervousness.

"Bella, how's it going?" I ask, reaching my arm over my head to grab a pillow. Pulling it under my head, I scoot back a little further to get comfortable on the bed. I don't even know what she wants yet but I'm hoping it's not a quick conversation. I can't help wanting to get to know her better and I've been thinking about her every three minutes or so since I left her earlier today.

"Ok, here's the thing," she says with a slight slur. I do believe she's got a little buzz on but she sounds adorable so I don't interject. "You remember how we met earlier, right?" she doesn't pause long enough for me to answer. "Well, the thing is that Jake, the big a-hole, haunts my whole life. I mean seriously haunts it. He's best friends with _my_ best friends boyfriend, who is basically my best friend, too. Plus his stupid dad is also best friends with my dad, but I guess Billy isn't really stupid. I mean, it's not his fault that his son is a total jack wang, but anyway, that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is that Jake told my dad about you and now he wants to meet you," she finally pauses here. But only for a nanosecond. "My dad, I mean. My dad wants to meet you, not Jake. You already met Jake. 'Member?"

"Yeah, I remember," I tell her. I'm trying not to laugh right now because I don't want to embarrass her but her rambling is hilarious. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, we're having gin slushies and shots. How can you tell?" Gin slushies sound a little nasty, but who am I to judge?

"Just a hunch," I tell her. Back to her previous ramblings, I think I got the gist of what she's trying to tell me and decide to run it past her. "So, your dad wants to meet me because he thinks we've been dating for a year and he's never even heard of me. Is that what you're saying?"

I hear rustling, like she's moving the phone, just before she speaks in a loud ass drunk-whisper. "He's smart too, he has it all figured out!"

I snort and hear girls in the background but I can't make out what they're saying. There's another rustle and then she's back. "Yes, that's correct. And I know it's a little crazy for me to ask, since we just met a few hours ago when you saved me from those heinous whores, but do you think you would wanna come meet him?"

"Heinous whores?" Obviously I'm going to go meet her dad, but I'm also beyond amused at her right now and basically just want her to keep talking.

"Yep, you were like a superhero. Perfect timing and you saved the day. I'm gonna call you," she pauses for a moment. I can hear the girls whispering in the background again and then she speaks. "I'm gonna call you the Avenging Lord Hottie McSexpants. Yeah, thats perfect."

My eyebrows shoot into my hairline and I have to laugh at that one. "You think I'm sexy?"

"Please," she snorts. I chuckle at her. "You have to know you are. Now can you come meet my dad, do you think?"

"Yes, I'll come meet your dad," I agree.

"Also, can your parents come? Because I tried to use them as an excuse for why he couldn't meet you and that just made him want to meet them, too. Oh God, I sound like a crazy person right now."

"It's fine," I tell her. I know my parents will be down. They've always been there for me when I need them and they love this situation anyway. Mom because she thinks it's sweet and Dad because he finds it hilarious. "Tell you what, I'll even bring my brother, if that's ok."

"That's totally fine! Are you sure this is ok?"

"I'm sure. Besides, this is all technically my fault. I'm the one who made the whole thing up, right?"

"That is true," she agrees.

"Do you know when he wants to meet?"

"Sunday. He's a cop, by the way. Figured I should probably tell you that, he's a little scary sometimes," she adds. Great. Not that I'm gonna back out or anything, but meeting her dad sounds scary enough on it's own. Not to mention that I'm going to be lying to his cop face about my fake relationship with his daughter. And how the hell is he even buying that his kid has been seeing a guy for a year that he knows nothing about?

"Does he not live around here?"

"Nope, he lives in Forks. Forks, that's a funny name for a town," she laughs. I have to agree. "We grew up there. Rose and Alice and me, I mean."

"Who are Rose and Alice?" I roll onto my side, willing her to keep talking. Her slur is getting more pronounced the longer we talk but it's still cute as shit and I want to keep hearing it.

"Oh they're my best friends. And Emmett is Rose's boyfriend, who is Jake's best friend. I should have let her tar and feather him before but I was trying to be diploma," she explains. "Diplomacy? Diplomatic! I was trying to be diplomatic," she corrects herself.

"I see," I tell her. Although I'm pretty curious about the tar and feather comment, I decide to forgo questioning her on it.

"Do you like Run DMC?" she asks suddenly. I'm thrown by the sudden topic change but I'm no stranger to being drunk. I know how it is.

"As a matter of fact, I do. Do you?"

"Yep," she says, popping the p. "What about Sublime?"

I smile, shaking my head. "Who doesn't like Sublime?" I can't wait to see her again, but decide I'll ask her for details like the time and place when she's not under the influence.

"Oh man, I gotta go," she says suddenly.

"Is everything all right?" I ask, sitting up on the bed.

"Oh no, yeah, everything is definitely good. I just have to pee," she assures me. She pauses and then groans. "Oh God, I can't believe I just told you that. Please pretend that didn't just happen, will you?"

"You got it," I promise.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" she asks, her voice all quiet now.

"You can call me anytime you want," I assure her. I swear I hear her smile, queer as that sounds.

"Kay. Have a good night, Edward," she says sweetly.

"You, too. And Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You're pretty sexy, too."

She sighs all breathy and whispers goodnight before hanging up. I lay back on the bed, smiling like a preteen girl. I nearly scream like one a second later when my brother appears out of nowhere over my head.

"Was that Bella?" he asks.

"Fucking shit, Jasper! Make some damn noise when you come into a room, will you?"

He laughs, sitting on the bed next to me. "Dude, pull your skirt down. Your vag is showing."

I punch him in the arm as I sit up. "You're a dick, you know that?" I'm not really mad, that shit was pretty funny, but he really did scare the piss out of me.

"Yeah, yeah. So was it her?"

"Yeah, it was. Her dad wants to meet me," I tell him.

"No shit. That should be nice and awkward," he observes.

"Oh you'll be there, too. Turns out the whole family's going," I pat him on the back. He shakes his head, laughing.

"Does she at least have a hot sister?" he asks, scratching the back of his neck.

"She didn't say anything about sisters but she does have two best friends, one of which may or may not be single. I think she said her name was Alice," I answer.

"Wonder if they're on Facebook," he muses.

"Everybody is on Facebook. Mom has a damn Facebook."

"True. Wanna go look them up?"

"That's affirmative," I answer. We both stand up at the same time and we race for the computer in the den. I beat him by just a few seconds and throw my body into the chair under the desk.

"First one out of the birth canal and he thinks he has the right to be first for everything else," he whines as he grabs a chair from the table. I shake my head as I bring up Facebook.

"And somehow, I'm the one with my lady parts showing," I mutter.

**A/N I really wanted to do a double update this weekend but my damn BFF showed up unexpectedly with wine and movies yesterday, blowing my whole plan to shit. I'll try to update at some point during the week but if nothing else, I'll see your lovely faces next Sunday for their first date. Thank you for reading!**


	8. Wrist Porn and First Impressions

"Does this look stupid?" I ask, smoothing my hands down the front of my skirt. I glance from the mirror to Alice's face. "It looks stupid, doesn't it? Oh God, what am I going to wear?" I realize there is a slight edge of hysteria to my voice but I can't help it. I haven't been on a date in, like, forever.

"Would you stop? You look hot!" Alice assures me, stepping towards me. She reaches out and grabs my arms at the wrists. "Breathe with me, psycho. In and out," she says calmly. I follow her breathing pattern for a few seconds and start to feel a little saner when Emmett speaks from the doorway.

"Going with the skirt and tank combo, eh?" I spin around to look at him. His gigantic arms are crossed over his stomach and he's leaning against the doorframe. "Little risky, don't you think?"

"Gah!" I exclaim, wrenching my arms from Alice's grip as I rush to my closet.

"Rose!" Alice hollers, bodychecking Emmet as she pushes her way out of the room. He chuckles loudly but cuts it short a second later.

"Emmett Vivian McCarty!" Rose bellows from the hallway. I don't have time to turn around, as I'm too busy tearing through every piece of clothing I own, but I can hear him lumber towards me.

"Bella, you know I'm kidding," he says hastily. I spin around and crane my neck to look up into his face. "Seriously, you look hot. Now would you calm the hell down?"

I take a deep breath and glance down at my outfit. I went with a navy blue chiffon pencil skirt and a light cream colored camisole. The skirt is a little high waisted for my taste - the type of thing that looks great in magazines but effing awkward in real life - so I'm a little nervous about it. I really like the contrast of the tank against the dark blue, though, and the tank top makes my girls look fucking stupendous in a subtle way. I look back up at him and see that he looks pretty sincere. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously! Honestly, if I wasn't completely and irrevocably in love with the gorgeous, kindhearted and forgiving woman who is breathing down my neck right now," I chuckle because Rose is literally breathing down his neck. "I would be all over you like a duck on a june bug. No joke."

Just like that, my tension dissipates and I crack up laughing.

"That's better," Rose says in an icy tone before marching over to my dresser.

"And my middle name isn't Vivian," Em grumbles as I sidestep him to grab my nude slingbacks.

"It is when you act like a little bitch," she volleys back as she rummages through my little jewelry box. I snicker, glad that their bickering is distracting me. I step into the shoes, pulling the straps up onto my ankles, and walk over to the mirror. Looking at the front and side views, I decide that I actually do look presentable.

"What perfume are you going to wear?" Alice asks, popping up behind me in the mirror. "I think you should wear whatever you were wearing the day you met him," she rushes on before I can answer. "I read in a magazine that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, and if you wear the same scent all the time, it will form a stronger bond between you and your mate."

"First of all, Charles Darwin, he's not my mate." She rolls her eyes and opens her mouth to argue but I cut her off. "And B, I was wearing Stella which is all I ever wear, as you know, so I suppose that's what I'm going to wear tonight."

"Good choice," Rose agrees. "And you should wear this necklace," she holds up a thin gold chain with a tiny disc attached. I recognize it as my Christmas gift from Alice from two years ago and nod in agreement. Sweeping my hair over my shoulder, I spin around so she can put it on. Alice tsk's, immediately fussing over my hair, and I laugh a little. A few seconds later, there's a knock on the door and my stomach drops out.

"I'll get it," Emmett declares. He bounds toward the door while my internal freak out meter ratchets up a few dozen notches. The girls are a flurry of activity around me for a few seconds, spraying perfume and swiping on lip gloss, and then suddenly I'm being pushed. I stumble into the kitchen, still not are how the hell I got there, and am immediately frozen to the ground when I see Edward.

He's wearing a pair of dark wash jeans and a black button down with the sleeves rolled partway up his forearms. I admire those forearms for a moment, then notice a silver watch on his left wrist. Sweet Mario and Luigi, even his damn wrist bones are hot.

Weird but true.

My eyes work their way down, taking in the way those jeans hug his legs loosely and the shit that he's rocking right out of his black Doc Martens. Eyefucking him all the way back up his torso, I notice that his top few buttons are undone and there's a light gray t shirt under the button down. His face is freshly shaven and every bit as handsome as I remember it; dark eyebrows, amazing eyes, perfect cheekbones, adorable nose and a jawline that is murdering my uterus right now. It takes me a second to realize that he's busy checking me out as well and I have to expend real effort to keep from high fiving myself. He seems to snap out of his trance right then and when his dark green eyes meet mine, I damn near swoon.

Like, seriously.

The world stops.

I hear angels singing from above.

Heavenly trumpets sound.

Rays of sunshine burst forth from -

"Rude," Rose whispers loudly, jarring me out of my revery. I clear my throat and feel the sudden burn of a blush on my face.

"Edward! Hi, hello," I mentally slap myself for the redundancy but I'm honestly helpless in the face of his beauty. He smiles at me and I swoon again.

"You're gorgeous," he says by way of greeting. I feel the blush travel down my chest while Alice swoons beside me. I mean for real, if this guy was in the Justice League, his superpower would be instantaneous swoonery. And panty dropping. In fact, his name would probably be Panty Dropper. Yes, his spandex superhero outfit would have a big silver PD emblazoned on the chest. Gah.

Coming back to reality, I squeak out a thank you and then clear my throat again. Taking a step forward, I realize that I need to introduce him to the gang. "Edward, this is Rose and that's Alice," I wave my arms toward them respectively, realizing a second too late that I look like a mentally impaired stewardess.

"Ladies," he nods politely, shifting his weight slightly. He runs a hand through his hair in what I assume is a nervous gesture, but he makes it look hot.

Shocking, I know.

"And that's Emmett," I point again. LIke I really need to, considering that Em is the only other human in the apartment.

"Nice to meet you, bro," Edward holds his hand out. Emmett eyes him up for a second before reaching out to shake his hand.

"You too, man. But don't bro me if you don't know me," he attempts to sound threatening but comes off sounding jack assy. Rose teleports to his side and delivers a swift blow to his midsection with her elbow, speaking over his grunt of pain.

"Don't mind him, he's mildly retarded."

Edward laughs, Alice titters nervously and Rose gives Emmett a death stare.

I hate my life and vow to find all new friends first thing in the morning.

"Pump the brakes on the bromance, got it." Edward jokes. Emmett stares at him for a second before cracking a smile.

"Nah, it's cool, bro. Just trying to establish the protective older brother persona, you know." He holds out a fist, which Edward casually bumps with his own.

"I definitely get you, man."

"Well, look at the time!" Alice pushes me forward. "You two better get going, you have a lot of getting to know each other to do." I stumble forward awkwardly, momentarily forgetting how to use my legs. Edward steps forward, catching my elbow with his hand and I catch a whiff of his cologne. That shit is seriously dangerous but somehow snaps me back to reality.

"Ready?" I ask, smiling up at him. His eyes lock on my lips before he glances up, nodding.

"You bet," he answers smoothly. Ovaries, be still!

Due to the fact that I can't form a coherent sentence at the moment, I motion toward the door. He says goodbye to the room at large and starts out the door. I turn to look at the guys, who are giving frantic thumbs up and fanning motions to indicate his hotness.

"Hot," Emmett mouths, nodding in approval. I roll my eyes at his douchebaggery and glance at the girls.

"Be yourself!" Alice shout whispers.

"Don't be weird!" Rose chimes in, just as subtly. I scowl and rush out the door, pulling it closed behind me.

I close my eyes for one hot second, sending up a prayer that I don't embarrass myself any more than my friends already have. I take a deep breath and follow Edward to the elevator, girding my loins for the evening ahead.

**A/N Sorry for the super-long delay in updating and for the super-short chapter, just trying to get back into the swing of writing. Thank you all for reading and reviewing - I seriously love everything you have to say. New chapter coming soon (like tomorrow), there was just too much to squash into this one. Have a nice night!**


	9. Broken Arms and Flaming Marshmallows

**So I'm a big fat Liar McLyingPants and didn't update nearly as soon as I thought I would. Sorry! Thank you all for reviewing, I do apologize if I didn't get back to you but I can't tell which I have or haven't answered :-/ They are all amazing though and seriously make my day. So thank you for that. Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Side note: I do not have a beta but I do subscribe to the old 'write by the seat of your pants' method, so all typos and incongruencies are courtesy of my laziness and shotty memory.**

The walk to the elevator is almost as awkward as the elevator ride itself. I have no idea what to say, so I opt for staring at anything but him until we make it outside. He's parked right in front of the building, I remember his car from WalMart, and we bump into each other as we both reach for the passenger door handle.

"Sorry!" I say, backing away to let him open the door.

"No problem," he answers. "Just ruining my attempt at first date chivalry, no big." I crack up at his joke as I slide into the seat. He's smiling when he shuts the door and I rack my brain to think of something to break the ice as he walks around the front of the car. Taking advantage of the last few seconds I have, I hurriedly adjust my tank top and smooth my skirt down before he gets in. A second later, he's in the car and I'm surrounded with his sexy man smell. My brain is firing too many demands at me - _Take off your clothes! Take off _his_ clothes! Say something! Make the babies! Seriously, say something! - _ and I have no control for a few hot seconds. Thank God I suppress the ripping off of clothing and opt to speak instead.

"Know anybody looking for friends? I'm in the market for three new ones," I tell him. He pulls into the street and smiles.

"Nah, they seem great. I had actually prepared myself for far more awkwardness than that," he admits.

"Wait til you meet Charlie," I mutter.

"Charlie?" he asks.

"My dad," I explain. "I'm pretty sure awkwardness will be taken to entirely new heights tomorrow." My palms start to sweat even just thinking of what an epic fail this dinner is destined to be. Edward's laugh momentarily erases my fears.

"You're going about this all wrong," he tells me. "It's only going to be awkward if you let it. I say we go into this full blast creepy, down to matching sweaters and super corny catch phrases. Have some fun with it, you know?"

I glance over at him and crack a smile. That could actually be pretty funny. I mean, everyone is in on it except my dad.

"You might be on to something. He is a cop, though, and his bull shit meter is pretty sensitive. We'll have to be really on our game," I warn him.

"Absolutely," he agrees. Keeping his eyes on the road, he furrows his brow slightly while he thinks for a second. It's so fucking hot I almost pass out. I seriously can't believe he's a real person and have a moment's doubt about the non-existence of supernatural beings. He's way too good looking to be for real. Of course, he probably has some freakoid fetish involving lady underpants and ramen noodles or some other crazy shit. Honestly, though? Even that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me on this one. "We'll have to cram in a years worth of getting to know each other tonight if we have a snowball's chance in hell of making this work."

I nod in total agreement. "Where do we start?"

"Well, this is technically a first date, so you want to start with firsts?" he asks, merging into a turning lane.

"Sounds good. First pet?" I ask about the first first that comes to mind.

"Beagle puppy, when we were six. His name was Wile E. Cullen," he fires back.

"Wiley? Did you pick that name?"

"Jasper did," he chuckles. "It's actually Wile E. Like Wile E. Coyote," he explains.

"Nice! And what happened to Wile E.?"

"Hit by a car when we were nine," he answers.

"Aw, that sucks," I tell him, not sure how much sympathy is appropriate in this situation.

"Eh, he was kind of a pain in the ass but it did suck. Yours?"

"Guinea pig named Rodeo when I was eight, died two weeks after we got him. It was a tragic loss, but one I bore with dignity," I say seriously. He chuckles and nods.

"Rodeo the guinea pig, who met a poignant end. Noted. First injury?"

"Ah, the infamous S'more Incident of '91," I recall. I notice him glance at me with a smile on his face.

"S'more Incident?"

"I was four and camping with Charlie, which I apparently thought was the awesomest thing ever to occur in my young life. You have to understand that my dad was really gung-ho and hell bent on being Super Dad for as long as I can remember. So he went all out for this trip and we did every activity you have ever heard of campers doing. What he didn't take into account was that I was basically still a baby and therefore unable to withstand the amount of physical activity we went through that day. So as soon as it got dark, he built a fire and whittled some twigs down to make s'mores with while he told me stories. I was falling asleep on my log, so he started talking louder and louder, making these big, exaggerated motions with his hands and acting out the characters as he spoke. From what he tells me, he stepped on the end of a stick that was suspending a marshmallow over the flames," I start laughing a little bit here. I don't remember any of this, but picturing the story as my dad tells it cracks me up every time.

"He had been talking so long, though, that the marshmallow was a fiery ball of death by then, and it came catapulting right at me. In what Charlie claims to be less than ten seconds, it had burned a hole right through the thin pants I was wearing and woke me up instamtly. I shot off the log, screaming like a banshee, and somehow managed to run directly into the corner of our old station wagon's tailgate thing. It was an old car, and rusty in spots, and one of the jagged edges cut the top of my forehead. To this day, he gets all clammy and pale when he talks about it. He says he thought I was dead for sure, based on the amount of blood that came out of my head." I'm full out laughing by now and so is Edward. "I honestly don't remember any of it, but I can imagine his panic and it's hilarious!"

"You were ok, though, obviously," Edward chuckles.

"Oh yeah. I had to have four stitches for the cut but I was fine. I still have a little scar under my hairline and this mark from the marshmallow," I pull the edge of my skirt up my left thigh a bit to show him the tiny pucker on the side of my leg. He glances down at the mark and stares for a few seconds. I look down as well and notice that my skirt is up a bit higher than I originally intended. I'm thankful for the darkness as I blush and push it back down in a hurry. He clears his throat and soldiers on.

"I broke my right arm falling out of a tree when I was seven," he recalls. "Well, I mean, technically Jasper broke it. We've always been really competitive, and when I fell out of the tree, he didn't want to be left out. So he decided to jump out after me. Unfortunately, I was winded from the fall and still in the same spot I had originally hit. He landed right on top of my arm, breaking it, and fracturing his own collarbone." I shake my head and laugh, liking the return of the easy conversation.

We continue our exchange of firsts throughout the drive to the restaurant and in addition to learning facts about him, I also learn that he's hilarious. He's easy to talk to and a good listener, as well. I'm feeling pretty at ease with him and thinking maybe I can make it through this night unscathed by embarrassment. Until we make it to the restaurant and the safety of the dim interior of his car is no more. As soon as my heels hit pavement, it's back to Awkward City and I hate it. Luckily, Edward is not similarly afflicted and he's by my side as soon as I get out of the car.

"Seriously, what is your grudge against chivalry?" he asks, hands upturned at his sides. I snort and shake my head.

"You have my word that I won't thwart your next attempt," I promise with my eyebrows raised. He squints his eyes in suspicion and shuts the car door behind me.

"Better not," he mumbles, cracking me up. He stays close by my side as we walk toward the restaurant, a little Italian place he had mentioned earlier. I love all things Italian and pretty much anything with a carb in it, so I was totally down. We've only taken a few steps when he slides his arm around my back, settling his hand on my hip. I glance up in surprise as tingles chase each other all over my body.

"Yeah, I was thinking that we better get used to touching each other and whatnot. There's really no other option," he explains. He turns his face down to look at me and it's super close to mine all of the sudden. All I can see are his lips, pulled up in a small smile, and they're a little wet. Probably from his tongue. God. My legs decide life is not worth living anymore in the face of this glory and stop working, causing me to stumble a bit. He pulls me closer and we stop walking for a second, just standing in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Good point," I tell him, still staring at his mouth. He smiles wider.

"Bella?" I nod, apparently still with it enough to recognize my own name. "Can I kiss you?"

Dear eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin' at the air… Did he seriously just ask to kiss me? While I'm fairly certain my panties just hit the pavement so hard they made a tunnel to China, all I can do is look up into his eyes and nod slightly. He leans in slowly and my eyes flutter shut simply because I'm pretty sure my retinas would sizzle right off my eyeballs if I beheld his magnificence any closer than I already had. His lips are warm when they touch mine and his skin is so smooth. The kiss only lasts a few seconds but it's pretty much perfect and before I catch myself, I put my right hand up in the air with my palm facing him. He looks at me quizzically and it's too late to back out, so I go with it.

"Come on, up top. That was perfect and I therefore request the highest of fives," I explain with a straight face. He barks out a laugh and high fives me. We start walking toward the restaurant again and I'm thankful for my lack of brain filter for once in my life. I'm almost positive the high fiving banished any lingering awkwardness and I'm feeling about as comfortable as I imagine I could in this situation. You know, basking in the glory of the inhumanly hot man at my side and all.

"You're pretty amazing, you know that?" he asks, as he opens the door for me.

"You see it, too, then?" I joke as I step inside the foyer.

"I honestly don't see how anyone could miss it," he answers immediately. My stomach does a quick rendition of Riverdance and I may or may not swoon a little (hint: I totally swooned).

"You're not so bad yourself," I smile at him. As bad as this situation can, and probably will, turn out, I can't help thinking it's going to be one hell of an awesome time.

**Thanks for reading! Next up, Date Part Deux.**


	10. Harpies and Bad Choices

After what is surely the longest/most obvious eyefucking in the history of eyefucks, the skank ho-stess finally gets us seated and vacates the area. Not that I can exactly blame her, but seriously. Have some self respect. Our table is near the back of the restaurant and fairly secluded, which is pretty nice. After we're situated, Edward leans his elbows on the table and twines his fingers together.

"Ok, onto favorites." He raises one eyebrow suggestively and I compress my lips to hold in a laugh. I assume a similar pose.

"Favorites," I repeat in a serious tone. He gives a curt nod.

"Yes. Favorite color."

"Green. Yours?" My favorite color is actually blue but green kind of slipped out. His eyes are amazing, what can I say?

I'm pretty sure he's onto me, judging by the little smile on his face. "Brown." I roll my _brown _eyes dramatically, knowing for sure he's blowing sunshine up my skirt.

"Nobody's favorite color is brown," I inform him.

"That's my story and I'm sticking to it," he insists. I seriously can't help smiling like a buffoon around this guy.

"Fine, fine. Favorite book?" I really hope he has a favorite. I don't care what it is, as long as he likes to read. You just can't trust a person who doesn't like reading.

"Classic or contemporary?" he shoots back.

Mama like.

"Both," I shift my elbows on the table in anticipation of his answers.

"Geez, let me think about this," he says. Just as he starts to grind his gears, the hostess returns. Yay.

"Hey, your server is a little backed up so I wanted to see if I could get you anything to drink?" she asks Edward. For real. She has her back completely turned to me. I can't help it, I roll my eyes so hard that I swear I catch a glimpse of my own brain. Edward apparently sees because he cracks up and I redden instantly. I don't want him to think I'm the jealous type, because I'm absolutely not, it's just this girl is way over the top. He reaches across the table and grabs my wrist lightly, rubbing his thumb over the pulse point, which causes me to blush even deeper. Tilting his head down just a tad, he looks directly into my eyes, completely ignoring the hostess.

"Baby, do you want to start with wine?" he asks in a voice so sexy, I'm surprised Ho-Zilla and I both aren't knocked unconscious by it. I blink a few times, trying to remember which language I speak.

I have no luck with my trachea so I just nod. I don't even like wine.

He smiles this brilliant smile, probably realizing that's all he's going to get out of me at the moment, and finally breaks eye contact with me to look at the girl dismissively. He fires off some words I probably wouldn't understand even if I could think straight, though it stands to reason it's some type of wine.

She has the grace to look a tiny bit embarrassed as she nods and bustles off this time. "Some people have no shame," he jokes.

I clear my throat, hyperaware of the fact that he hasn't let my wrist go. "Tell me about it," I agree.

"Maybe we should decide on our orders before we get back to the favorites," he suggests. I nod, agreeing that if the waitress is half as bad as the hostess then it would be better to be prepared when she gets here. He flips open his menu with his free hand while shifting his other hand to lace his fingers through mine loosely, comfortably turning our hands onto their side. "Is this he ok?" he glances up from his menu shyly and I want to throw myself on the floor to praise the heavens for his attractiveness. Instead, I offer him a shy smile of my own.

"Definitely ok," I confirm. He grins big and looks back down to the table. I open my own menu and peruse it for a moment, thinking everything sounds amazing. They have a pork dish that sounds amazing, but I would rather go lick the urinals than say the word pork in front of Edward - I don't know why, but it seems like the unsexiest word on the planet right now - and so I decide on the Lasagna Primavera. Just as I make my decision, two glasses are set on our table. Before I can glance up, the waiter starts speaking while pouring our wine.

"Good evening, I'm Mike and I'll be your server tonight," says a sickeningly familiar voice. But no. Please God, say it isn't so. I slide my eyeballs up just enough to see that it is, indeed, Mike the Micropeen. My face instantly flames, I can literally feel the heat wafting off of it, and I try to think of what I could possibly have done karmically to deserve this. He finishes pouring our wine and then, "Bella? Is that you?"

Sweet Mary on a piece of toast. I briefly consider trying to say no while not looking at him, then realize that would be ridiculous on a few different levels, so I woman up and face him.

"Mike, hey," I say awkwardly. His face is a little red as well, and I'm sure he's recalling the last time we saw each other, which I know has to be one of the most embarrassing moments of his life. I can feel sweat beading between my boobs and would give anything for a gust of wind to go blowing through this place right about now.

"Hey, good to see you again," he says, lamely. There is so much effing awkwardness crammed in this corner right now I'm surprised there is room left for oxygen. I glance at Edward, who seems mildly concerned. Probably because my head is a giant tomato at this point in time.

"Edward, this is," I falter for a second - partly due to the fact that my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth and partly because I realize there is no good way to introduce Mike. "Uh, this is my friend, Mike. Mike, this is," again with the pausing. Gah! I quickly decide to support the ruse all of the way and go with, "my boyfriend, Edward."

My ears are buzzing so I can't tell what they say to each other, probably just hello but who the hell even knows at this point? A few seconds later, they're both looking at me and I register that Mike has asked for my order. Somehow, he's keeping it together a little better than I am. I can't for the life of me remember what the hell I wanted, so I ask Edward to order first.

"I'll have the mushroom ravioli, please," he tells Mike, amusement coloring his voice as he looks expectantly back at me.

"I'll have the same," I say in a rush. Mike nods and disappears. I grab the wine glass closest to me and take a healthy swig, then fight not to make a face as I swallow it. Honestly, I do not understand how people enjoy this bitter shit. And did I just order mushroom ravioli? I have never been a picky eater, ever. I will literally try anything at least once. Mushrooms, though? Great God, they grow out of literal shit! I can't believe the events of this evening so far - amazing on one hand and just ridiculous on the other.

I sit the glass back down with a gasp, noticing that Edward is full out grinning at me now. "So, obviously I know that guy."

"Obviously," he agrees. I can almost hear the laughter under his voice, just waiting for it's chance to come out. I clear my throat, racking my brain on how to say this without sounding like a ho-bag. Yeah, no. There's really no way.

"Oh God. Ok. I just want to preface this with the fact that I am not a strumpet," I tell him. Strumpet? I just said strumpet. What the fuck is a strumpet? What is even happening right now? "But Alice hooked me up with him after the whole thing with Jake and we had a really mortifying, just horrible, experience. Just, really bad. I mean, it was just really -"

"Bad?" Edward is laughing now. "What I'm hearing is that it was not good," he chuckles. I sigh out a breath, thankful that he's so chill, and start laughing as well.

"Basically, yes." We both start laughing harder, spurred be each other's mirth and my ridiculousness.

"You got so red, it was almost unbelievable," he chortles, which triggers me into nearly breathless laughter. I'm so relieved that the encounter is over and honestly, amused at how I reacted, that it's a few solid minutes before either of us stop cracking up. I wipe at the corner of my eye gently, not wanting to mess up the make up and sigh out a couple of big breaths as we calm down.

"One day, you have to give me the details of this horrible experience," he warns playfully. A residual giggle bubbles out of my chest.

"Of course," I promise with absolutely no intention of ever divulging a single other detail to him. Ever. He attempts to give me a stern look but really it's just silly and amazingly adorable.

"So, back to our original conversation," he announces.

"Ah, yes. Books," I recall.

"I'm gonna have to go with Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller," he says slowly. I hum in approval, surprised by his choice. "Although Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn gets an honorable mention."

"Respectable choices," I commend him. "Contemporary?"

He leans back in his chair, exhaling a long sigh. "Oh man, somehow this is tougher. I'll go with Fool by Christopher Moore."

"What! You read Christopher Moore?" I don't mean to sound so shocked but Christopher Moore is one hilarious man and I have yet to meet anyone who has read him.

"Yeah, you too?" he asks interestedly.

"God, yes! He is so damn funny! I thought I was going to pop a blood vessel laughing when I read Lamb," I tell him. I'm dead serious too, that shit was hysterical.

"I know! He's so witty, it's like you can't stop reading! I have all his stuff at home."

"So do I!" This is amazing and I consider asking him if he just wants to skip all the 'get to know each other' crap and cut straight to the baby making already.

"Your turn," Edward smiles.

"Oh man, ok. My favorite classic would have to be Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen." Honestly, it's hard to name one but I've read that book at least five times and it gets better each time.

"Sucker for old tall, dark and glowery Mr. Darcy?" he jokes.

"Duh!" Is my genius response.

"What about Heathcliff then?" he asks and I'm not gonna lie, my fallopian tubes contract simply hearing that he can even allude to the characters in these books.

"Nah, Heathcliff is way too evil. I like my leading gentlemen to have at least one redeeming quality. I do think that Wuthering Heights was pound for pound a better novel than Pride and Prejudice, but it all comes down to how the book makes you feel. I mean, with Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, sure there was animosity and dislike, but the story is about a girl finding herself and falling in love. Heathcliff and Catherine were self absorbed pseudo-psychopaths who ruined each other's lives as well as the lives of everyone around them. It just makes you feel bad, you know?"

He smiles slightly and nods. "Couldn't agree more. What about your contemporary favorite?"

"This is a three way tie, there's no way around it. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, The Red Tent by Anita Diamante and One Thousand White Women by Jim Fergus."

"I haven't heard of any of those, although One Thousand White Women sounds pretty interesting," he jokes.

"Oh my God, so good. Seriously, you should check it out. I read parts of it to Charlie and he even liked it."

"I will, for sure," he agrees. I smile at him, thankful that somehow I am once again completely comfortable in his presence. We continue our story swapping, sipping the nasty ass wine and just enjoying each other's company. Mike returns with our dinner a bit later and while it's still a little embarrassing, I manage to keep it together. I realize I'm famished and the food looks amazing, until I remember that I have a plateful of poop pockets in front of me. My stomach turns a little but I refuse to humiliate myself again by admitting that I ordered one of the extremely few things in the world that I hate.

Picking up my silverware, I attempt to nonchalantly cut a ravioli open so I can eat the pasta part without ingesting any fungus. Edward has no such qualms and is tucking into his food with gusto. I glance up and am momentarily mesmerized by the jaw muscles at work across from me. This man should come with a warning label.

I manage to tear my gaze away before he notices me being a creeper and get back to the task at hand. The noodle cuts easily and out slides a big gob of nasty. I shudder, quickly pushing it away with my knife. Bringing the bite of pasta up to my mouth, I try not to think about the residual slime left inside by the mushrooms. Oh man, this is so gross. I eat it anyway, trying to convince myself there are no parasites of the bovine crap persuasion in my mouth.

"So," Edward breaks the brief silence that has descended in the wake of the food. I raise my eyebrows expectantly but unfortunately am unable to look away from my plate. Dissecting this dinner is commanding all of my attention and I must remain vigilant, lest I ingest a piece of shroom. "This might be crossing a line," he hedges. His voice sounds a little uncertain so I momentarily abandon the task at hand to look up at him. "You haven't really mentioned your mom at all, though."

It takes me a beat to answer, just because I'm used to being around people I've known forever. I haven't had to explain this for a while. "Oh, she uh, passed away when I was a baby," I tell him. He looks stricken for a second and I rush to reassure. "No, it's fine honestly. I was just a few months old and I don't remember her at all. It doesn't make me sad, or anything, so don't feel bad for asking," I tell him honestly. It might sound a little callous but it's true. It's hard to miss something you never had.

"Still, though," he says seriously. "It had to be hard growing up without a mom."

"I suppose. I had Charlie, though, and he was amazing. Plus, growing up in a small town helps. Alice, Rose and Tanya all lived within a few blocks of me and their moms were great." He seems appeased and looks a little less regretful. "Why don't you tell me more about your parents?" I suggest. "How did they meet?"

He smiles at this. "They actually met in kindergarden. It's been a life long romance, they're so cheesy when they talk about it. They started 'going steady' when they were, like, ten or something."

I grin because that is too cute and really familiar. "Sounds like Rose and Emmett. They became official in sixth grade and have been going strong ever since. It's pretty cool."

"That's awesome," he agrees, popping a big old ravioli in his mouth. I suppress a shudder and grab a piece of bread from the basket between us, deciding that I'll just try to fill up on that. The conversation flows easily. We talk about everything from first cars to current careers. I explain how I, an English major, ended up working in healthcare. He tells me how much enjoys teaching, though the kids are equal parts awesome and evil. We cover pretty much every topic either of us can think of, and I tell him to warn his brother about Alice. I don't want the poor guy walking into that blindly. If he notices that I eat all of the bread and disembowel every ravioli on my plate, he doesn't mention it. Thank God.

The evening is over much sooner than I would like, although in reality it's gotten pretty late. On the drive from the restaurant, we make plans for him to come over in the morning with some clothes and things to plant around the apartment - proof of our cohabitation. He also tells me that he wants to help cook, which is swoon-worthy in my eyes. When he parks in front of my building, I wait for him to come around and open my door. We walk together quietly, but comfortably so. He leaves me with a soft, lingering kiss and when he walks away, he takes the first few steps backwards so he can watch me go inside. I float to the elevator, on a dreamy cloud, unable to believe how utterly amazing he is.

Before I can get my keys out, my door flies open and two little hands snatch me across the threshold.

"Tell me everything!" screams my little harpy of a roommate. We both screech and do a really stupid little dance around each other the way we always do when something is just too exciting to handle quietly. I know I'm not going to bed any time soon, but I don't even care. Even if it wasn't for Alice, I would stay up and relive the evening in my mind because even with all of the embarrassing stuff, it was still one of the most amazing nights I've ever had.

**Thanks for reading!**


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